


Recipe for Betrayal

by RoleplayFanfics



Series: Recipe for Circumstances [5]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, F/M, Flashbacks, Good Peter, Hurt Peter, M/M, Marauders, Only canon character deaths, Other, POV Peter Pettigrew, Peter Pettigrew needs a hug most of all of them, Sirius Black is a hoe, Voldemort's return, What prompts a betrayal, part of a series, traumatized characters
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-05
Updated: 2020-01-13
Packaged: 2021-01-23 12:13:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 14,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21319999
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RoleplayFanfics/pseuds/RoleplayFanfics
Summary: “This wasn’t how things were supposed to be…” Peter addressed the corpse, only to change his mind, and put it up in a sitting position, to make himself look less insane for speaking to said corpse. “I didn’t mean for things to happen this way, see, it is like this… Uh, you don’t mind listening to me, right?” When he did not receive any objections, he took a deep breath and began to speak, telling the dead man the story of his life, the story nobody else would care to listen to."---Some stories are forgotten in the great all, but secretly, they might be equally as important.
Relationships: James Potter/Lily Evans Potter, Remus Lupin/Severus Snape, Sirius Black/Everyone, Sirius Black/Peter Pettigrew
Series: Recipe for Circumstances [5]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1437727
Kudos: 20





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A side-story in the Recipe for Circumstance series, written by Teddy. 
> 
> Recipe for Circumstance order:  
Recipe for Sympathy  
Recipe for Resentment ( Severus POV )  
Recipe for Reconciliation ( Sequel )  
Recipe for Regrets ( Sirius POV/Epilogue )  
Recipe for Betrayal ( Side story )

This hadn’t been the way things were supposed to end. Things weren’t supposed to go this way. Peter Pettegrew chewed idly on his thumbnail, staring out into absolute nothingness as he tried to think things over, tried to deconstruct the events that had lead to him sitting in an abandoned mansion, guarding the creature who had once been the Dark Lord, while his way too scary snake watched over him like a mother. The two of them would sometimes speak to one another as well, using a strange language which Peter understood nothing of. He didn’t think they were speaking about him, not really, but he had noticed the big snake stare at him with a strange hunger and hatred it its eyes. It was, to say the least, very uncomfortable. 

They hadn’t been in the mansion for long, and judging by the place itself, the emptiness, the dust, the dry air which didn’t seem to be moving at all… This place had been abandoned for a long, long time. Still, Peter had been very surprised by the flawless shape of the garden: the well trimmed hedges, the perfect grass, the colorful flowers and the wellkept walking paths. He had just learnt the reason for all of that, namely that the ground keeper was living on said grounds, keeping the place in such a great condition that one questioned why he wasn’t admitted to a much finer place than this empty, old mansion. Not that it mattered much anymore, the valiant and duty bound ground keeper was lying next to Peter, as he sat by the foot of the stairs, the old man’s eyes wide open to never see again. The Dark Lord had killed him. Peter had been frightened by the spell cast, but he wasn’t actually any better. Peter had killed too. He wasn’t supposed to be a killer, he had never intended to be. The rat like man groaned, moving his hands through his shoulder long, greying hair, the groan turning even louder as he recalled the ugly bald spot which was growing on his head. 

Peter removed his hands from his head, and stared down at his hands, specifically, the hand where he missed a finger. He was still not used to seeing himself as a human, he had been a rat for so many years that his human shape seemed alien to him, cumbersome, big, and so very slow. Most of all, he felt strangely… exposed in this shape. His feelings were bare on his face, he felt prone to crying and trying to hide behind his hands, and, well… he felt ugly; more than anything, he felt ugly. For as long as he could remember, he had been teased for being fat. Sirius Black had never once missed a change to make fun of him for the way he looked, or pointed out when he was eating too many Bertie Bott’s Beans after dinner. He was rather certain that every single point in his face had been made fun of at least once, thus it was of little surprise to him, Peter find himself a lot more comfortable in the shape of a cute animal. 

The rat-like man closed his hands, and got up, impatiently beginning to walk back and forth. He hadn’t wanted to come find the Dark Lord, he didn’t actually want the man, no, monster, to return but… there was no other way he could turn, no other place that would protect him. He had been immensely lucky to have been adopted by the Weasley family, he would likely never be as lucky as to be accepted as a house pet after being found in a garden. These days, people wanted pure breed rats from fancy shops, because casting a few spells to make sure that the rat didn’t have any diseases was far too much to ask from your normal wizard family! In a fit of anger, he aimed a kick at the corpse of the muggle, and watched in horror as the kick landed, sending the old man’s body straight to the floor. Peter whined loudly, running up to the muggle and picked him up, trying to put him back against the wall, while looking over his shoulder to make sure that the horrid snake didn’t come to check up on him with her horrible yellow eyes. Snakes loved rats, he was terrified that she’d lash out at him whenever her master found a good replacement for him. Replacement, replacement… Ever now, as a grown man, he was still scared of being replaced. 

Peter managed to get the corpse sitting up, he shuddered under the emotionless stare of the man’s, and hurriedly reached out to close them, to avoid feeling the blame for the death of the man. This wasn’t the first time he had encountered death personally, no, back when he was running from Sirius, he had blown up an entire street in his hurry to get as far away from the place as he could, running for his very life. Peter had been horrified to learn that he spell had killed so many people, but as they were muggles, he had convinced himself that it wasn’t really that big of a problem. Muggles died every day, he had reasoned, why should he feel bad when they are so willing to throw themselves away as fodder to feed their government’s wars? 

For the most time, it had worked, when it hadn’t worked, and he had spent most of the nights whining, one of the Weasley boys would usually come pick him up, stroke his back, and let him sleep in their bed to make him feel better. He had felt really creepy at first, but the kindness that the children had shown, and his absolute and utter disinterest in them as a human had made him feel justified to grant himself the comfort of a human bed. Yet it hadn’t been enough to ease the discomfort completely, so he had often waited until they had fallen asleep, only for him to sneak out of their grip and sleep next to the pillow, far away from touching distance. He had tried to sleep by the end of the bed at first, but Percy Weasley had been an absolute kicking maniac, and he had feared for his mortal life, and returned to safety by the pillow. Peter had been happy back then, with that insane redhead family, and their strange house. He had been fed, he had been loved, sometimes, he had even been included in the family fun, as when they brought him to Egypt on vacation. It had been such a wonderful feeling: being loved. 

_ How they must loath you now.  _

Peter flinched, whining as he looked around for the owner of the Voice, whom he knew to not be there. The little voice in Peter’s head, which was always telling him how everything about him was wrong, spoke in Sirius Black’s voice, and it always had. When he felt guilty about something, Sirius would find out about it somehow, and he would make sure the guilt was fueled. It had become so natural that Peter was used to having his friend’s voice reprimand him for all his faults, still, during the twelve years that he had been living with the Weasleys, he had heard the Voice less and less, until it had disappeared completely. Yet now it was back again, as clear as if it had never left. 

To distract himself from the Voice in his head, Peter grabbed a hold of the corpse, and began pulling it away. He was planning on pulling it to the little house on the grounds where he had determined the old man to live, and place him in the bed or something, to make it seem like he had died in his sleep, but he didn’t manage to pull the corpse far before his muscles were aching and he was sweating from the hard work of pulling a grown man around. He had at least managed to pull the body into a different room, one where he could shut the door and not have the Dark Lord see it. So Peter did, remaining in the room as well.

He walked up to a window, and opened it, letting the cool night air wash over his red, sweaty face.  _ You sweat because you’re fat.  _ The Voice told him, and Peter shook his head violently to push it away. Peter was no longer fat, he had lost a lot of weight during the past year, so much so that his ribs were visible under his now far too big clothing. The man turned back to the body, and jumped with fear as the eyelids had fallen open when he had pulled it away from the stairs, for a short second, the rat-like man thought that the corpse had come back to life. He breathed out when he realized that was not the case, but he still allowed himself to timidly sink down with his back against the wall; he would be able to hear if his Lord called him, but he could also speak without bothering the monster. 

“This wasn’t how things were supposed to be…” Peter addressed the corpse, only to change his mind, and put it up in a sitting position, to make himself look less insane for speaking to said corpse. “I didn’t mean for things to happen this way, see, it is like this… Uh, you don’t mind listening to me, right?” When he did not receive any objections, he took a deep breath and began to speak, telling the dead man the story of his life, the story nobody else would care to listen to.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The sorting hat spoke in Peter’s ears, praising him for his interesting thoughts. The rat like boy hesitated, and then asked if he was truly that typical of a Hufflepuff. The soft voice chuckled, and told him that he did not have a single Hufflepuff bone in his body. Then the silence lingered, causing Peter to feel more and more uncomfortable, and making him notice that the hat had a rather strange smell. The hat spoke to him again, telling him that he was very hard to place, then it outright asked him if he had a preference. Peter thought about Remus Lupin, and decided that since he knew him a little, he would be rather alright with being in the same house as him.

“Hello! My name is Peter Pettigrew, it’s nice to meet you!” Peter sat himself down in the seat opposite of a pale boy, smiling at him. The boy had hair in a similar color to Peter’s, one that could be described as blonde, but was most likely named as a different hair color, as to not be confused with normal blondeness. Rat-colored was the most common adjective used to describe it, at least from what Peter had heard. The other boy looked too small for his clothes, and he had a way about him that almost made him seem older than eleven, Peter only figured that the other was his age by the fact that he did not have the houses’ traditional colors anywhere on his clothes. 

The boy raised his head, and Peter noticed faint outlines of scars on the other’s face, the unfamiliar boy looked uncertain, as if he wasn’t used to people addressing him at all. He even looked about in the train booth, which was kind of silly to Peter, seeing as they were alone in it. “...I’m Remus Lupin. Nice to meet you, too…” His voice was hoarse, as if he was not very used to speaking. 

Peter immediately liked him, not because he was uncanningly likable, but because Remus Lupin seemed very lost and out of place, making Peter able of acting like somebody who knew more about Hogwarts than he did. His mother and father had told him a lot about the school, so he felt more than ready to share his knowledge with this nervous, possibly muggleborn, boy. 

Peter Pettigrew didn’t care much about his blood, or his heritage, but both his parents were in fact pureblood magic users. It hadn’t done the boy much good so far, as he had proven absolutely mediocre in magic at best. He could still remember his parents discussing his lack of talent when they thought he was asleep, fearing that their son had in fact been born a squib. Peter could not recall a happier time for his parents then when he accidentally pulled a basket of bread closer to himself during dinner, their relief and happiness had been so strong that Peter had been allowed to eat a whole cake on his own for celebration. Until that point with the bread, Peter had heard them speculate in what to do if his letter to Hogwarts hadn’t arrived, and how they would be able to live with the shame. Luckily, Peter had indeed gotten his letter, and he was indeed on the train to Hogwarts right that very moment, talking to the nervous, scarred boy. 

“So you don’t have any friends at Hogwarts? Oh, I meant, no siblings or people you know since before?” Peter asked, with an excited look on his face.   
  


“I...Suppose not, no?” Remus responded, staring out of the window with a distant look on his face. 

“Oh, that’s okay, don’t worry about it! My mother told me a lot, I can tell you anything about it you want to know.” Peter could see the other boy begin to relax, as he himself began rambling facts about Hogwarts. When he ran out of ramblings about Hogwarts, he instead began pulling out his Wizard Cards and show them to his new friend, talking about the various wizards and witches on the cards. He was explaining which ones he lacked for Remus when the door to the booth was pushed open and two other boys their age pulled their luggage inside. 

“Hello, these seats free?” One of the two kids, who had black hair and was wearing round glasses, grinned at the two newfound friends as he easily lifted his heavy bag up on the shelf, only to seat himself next to Peter. The one coming after him was slightly taller, with longer, dark brown hair, and while looking still looking confidence, he was a little less thrilled to sit down with them as the first one had been. Remus looked equally nervous to have somebody sit next to him as the tall kid was uncomfortable sitting next to him. “Name’s James Potter, I’m a first year, what’s yours?” 

Peter introduced himself, as did Remus, and the three pairs of eyes turned to the last boy in their booth. “Sirius Black.” The boy hesitated just a second before giving his name to them. In stating his name, he glanced towards Remus. “What happened to your face?” Peter and James both reacted to the question, but only James objected out loud.

“Hey, you can’t just ask that to somebody you just met, that’s kind of rude.”

“Aren’t you curious too?” Sirius muttered back, crossing his arms over his chest while he looked away. It was easy to tell that he knew he had said something stupid, and he was clearly embarrassed about having spoken up about the scars in the first place. 

“It’s okay… I was expecting somebody to ask about them sooner or later. I fell in the woods when I was young, and it just… healed like this. The healers say that they don’t want to use beautifying magic on somebody as young as me so… Uh, do they… really stand out that much?” He touched his face, looking just a little devastated. 

“No, no, they don’t really!” Peter and James spoke as one, and James turned to Sirius.    
  
“Come on, apologize. If you keep on acting like that, I’ll be the only friend you’ve got at Hogwarts.” James scolded the tallest of them, shaking his head with a displeased clicking of his tongue. 

“...Fine, I’m sorry.” Sirius did actually look like he meant it. “I didn’t… mean to make you self conscious or… stuff.” 

Peter turned to James, clearly impressed with the way he had handled the other boy. “Have you two been friends for a long time?”

“What?” James looked up from digging through his pockets, he was holding a chocolate bar in his hand. “Me and him? Nah, we met at the station and started talking about Quidditch, he looked sort of like a lost dog-”

“Did not.”

“...And I just figured that he would like somebody to talk to.” James ignored the protest of the other’s, and proceeded to break his chocolate bar into pieces. Remus had peeked up at the sight of the chocolate, and he seemed more than a little happy as some was handed to him. Sirius was handed a piece next, whereas Peter was handed one last. The group continued talking the entire ride to Hogwarts, sharing their snacks with one another, while sharing their expectations of the school and the things they would learn there. 

They were separated during the traditional boat ride over the lake next to the school, where Peter and Remus ended up in the same boat and James and Sirius ended up in another one. The two shared boats with a red haired girl and a black haired boy, the girl seemed genuinely excited about the ride, and had a hard time sitting still, while the boy, who was clearly her friend since previously, tried to convince her to remain still in the boat and not get herself an unwanted dip in the lake. The girl countered him by saying that somebody would just save her using magic, and then dry her off with the same magic power. Peter and Remus silently glanced at one another, and then made an effort to both be ready to catch her if she fell. The black haired boy seemed to have reasoned similarly, as all three grabbed her as one when she did lose her balance and almost tumbled down into the lake. 

They reached the shore, without the girl falling in, and were lead to the dining hall. Peter was used to seeing magic at home, and he had heard stories about the castle’s main hall, but nothing compared to the grandness that was displayed before the children as they entered the hall for the first time. Peter couldn’t stop staring at the ceiling, at the beautiful, dark sky that revealed itself amongst thousands of flying candles. 

The first years were herded towards the teacher’s table, and then lined up for the sorting ceremony. The first kid to walk up to the hat, upon his name being called, was Sirius Black. He looked very determined as he stepped forward, staring at the hat as if it was an enemy he needed to best. The hat sank over his ears, and after a while, it called out: “Gryffindor!” causing the room to erupt in cheers and excited screaming from the table clad in red. Peter watched Sirius walk over to the table with a look on his face like he had just won the battle of his life, the grin on his face was so big that it almost looked too big for his face. 

The ceremony continued, the red haired girl was sorted into Gryffindor and she hurried over with a big smile on her lips. Remus was also placed in that house, and Peter was happy to see that even his face lit up when he was welcomed with loud cheers.. Peter’s name was called, and as he walked up to the seat, he overheard people whisper over by the tables. He couldn’t hear them clearly, but he heard some voices who agreed that he looked like a Hufflepuff. The last thing he heard as the hat slid over his ears, effectively silencing the world around him to all but a soft voice in his ear, was somebody whispering about “the fat ones always going to Hufflepuff.” 

The sorting hat spoke in Peter’s ears, praising him for his interesting thoughts. The rat like boy hesitated, and then asked if he was truly that typical of a Hufflepuff. The soft voice chuckled, and told him that he did not have a single Hufflepuff bone in his body. Then the silence lingered, causing Peter to feel more and more uncomfortable, and making him notice that the hat had a rather strange smell. The hat spoke to him again, telling him that he was very hard to place, then it outright asked him if he had a preference. Peter thought about Remus Lupin, and decided that since he knew him a little, he would be rather alright with being in the same house as him. The next thing he knew, the hat called out “Gryffindor!” and Peter was welcomed to his house with a lot of excitement and cheers, he had been worried that they applause would be less for him, since so many apparently thought that he would end up in Hufflepuff, but he was welcomed nonetheless. Remus, in particular, seemed happy to have Peter clumsily slide down next to him on the bench by the table. 

James Potter joined them soon after, with the hat having called out “Gryffindor!” before it had barely touched his hair. The four boys looked at one another, all of them grinning widely, before they toasted to their years of friendship at their new school. 

Time passed, and it very quickly became evident that the four of them were different, but not different enough to not be friends. Peter was surprised to learn that all of them were brilliant at magic, especially James and Sirius, but Remus wasn’t doing a bad job. While Peter was still able to keep up in class, the other three were at the head of said class, causing quite some annoyance from a few Ravenclaw students from the same year. Peter tried to keep up with them, and Remus was more than happy to try and help him when he needed it. Sirius was seemingly the only one who looked down on Peter for being slow to understand, but at the same time, he never voiced his opinion on the subject. 

Barely a month had passed, when Remus got a troublesome letter from his family, where he was asked to come home for a little bit to see his sick grandfather. His three friends had all been surprised by the letter, but they didn’t think it was too strange to be called away for such a thing. When they meet Remus again, he looked almost aged, and exhausted. Sirius had tried asking him about the visit, but he had clearly been uncomfortable with the topic, thus it had been dropped. Another month had passed, and as the grandfather had not gotten better, so Remus had to leave again. It continued like that, with the nervous boy having to leave school once a month for family affairs. Peter always missed him greatly when he was gone, while Sirius and James were not bad friends, he couldn’t get along with them as well as he did with Remus, and he was always overcome with a feeling of not belonging when he was alone with the two genius children. 

“I feel like I should remember more of my first year at Hogwarts, but I really don’t…” Peter told the corpse, pushing himself up into a more comfortable position, while absently shaking his legs to keep his limbs from falling asleep. “James became part of the Quidditch team really quickly, and he was always great in the cups. I never liked brooms, and I can’t imagine ever feeling comfortable flying that fast and that high above ground… Sirius was popular from the beginning, people just seemed to like him right away, without him never having to do that much to influence them. And Remus, well, you see, Remus was a werewolf!” He paused for effect, then shook his head in response. 

“Yes, yes, I was really shocked, but it also made a lot of sense, you know… The way he disappeared, the way he didn’t want to talk about it, it all sort of made sense when we realized what he was. So, since we were all friends, James, Sirius and me really wanted to figure out a way to help him. Then James realized that werewolves aren’t really dangerous to animals, only to humans. Thus, we all decided to become animagi, that is to learn how to transform into an animal, and well, we followed him one day, and showed him our animal shapes. He was so happy for what we had done that he cried for at least an hour, sobbing about how scared he had been that we would discard him if we figured it out. I’ve never felt so much like a true friend!” He chuckled, staring up at the ceiling with eyes full of emotion. “Those nights were the most fun! We always had a thing for mischief, so much so that we called ourselves The Marauders, and we created all sorts of fun pranks. Oh, we made a map of all of Hogwarts! And discovered all kinds of cool secret rooms and stuff. We felt like the entire school was at our feet!” Peter suddenly realized that he had been screaming, and he quickly put his hands over his mouth, quieting himself down. As he did, older memories started to come back to him, and his heart became heavy with different kinds of emotion. 

“...There was just… uh, you see, when you think you have that much power, I guess it’s really easy to become arrogant… There was this girl, see, the one who almost fell into the lake back when we rode the boats back during our first year. Her name was Lily Evans, and James really liked her. He was always trying to catch his attention in ways, and she was always disinterested in him. Lily had a friend, whose name is Severus Snape, Snape was… always kind of weird. Sirius was the one who first commented on it, and he was just sort of easy to… bully. We became bullies, and I honestly…” He stopped, biting his lower lip before he managed to continue speaking. “...I enjoyed it. I used to be sort of big, my mom was always overfeeding me, and it was really hard to know what to eat and not when I started school and was expected to pick whatever I wanted from these huge buffé of food… I guess it didn’t exactly help me lose weight. I wasn’t clever, and I wasn’t as brave as all my other friends, and I know I’m not very… appealing to look at.” The last words were very hard to admit, and he felt a sob build in his chest as he admitted out loud that he was ugly. 

“Whenever somebody weaker was around, Sirius would bother them instead of me. Especially Snape, he was the easiest to pick on. I guess we were all kind of horrible to the guy, but I felt that it was always better that it was him rather than me. I always thought of things that way ‘as long as it’s not me, I’m happy.’”

The memories of Sirius brought with them complicated thoughts, and when Peter stopped to stare at the ceiling, he realized that he was overwhelmed by feelings so strong that he felt hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He stopped his story, curling together while hugging his own legs, and sobbed into the dirty fabric of his pants. “I really loved them, I admired James and how strong and brilliant he was, I adored Remus for being so level headed and helping me whenever I needed it, and…” He bit his lip, stopping himself while he gathered his thoughts, as he tried to summarize what he felt towards Sirius. “...I might just… have had a crush on… Sirius. I know! I know!” He whined, and hid himself deeper in his own legs, feeling the crushing defeat of admitting his feelings, even if the crush had been so very long ago. 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “So how come you didn’t stay with the date I arranged for you?” “How come you ran after old me instead of having fun with her?”

Sirius Black had grown up to be quite handsome. Remus might have grown past him in terms of height during their third year, much to the boy’s annoyance, but the now shorter boy had continuously grown more and more attractive. He was the first of them to lose his virginity, and he was the most sexually confident one. People began to notice him more and more, and while Sirius had been a borderline dangerous person to be around, people still liked him. Sirius was by no means a good person, he was somebody who would bully and make fun of people to make himself feel better, and he was constantly making fun of Peter for a myriad of things that the teenager had no control over. Even after so many years apart from the teenager, Peter was still able to hear the soft, dark voice point out his faults and tease him for mistakes that he made. Even after so many years, Sirius’ bullying was still affecting the rat-like man negatively. 

Peter had ended up being one of Sirius’ victims, another person who had come to adore his confident ways and his dark, wavy, hair, rather than seeing him for the person he truly was. Unlike James, who had always been unapproachable to strangers, due to his intense Quidditch focus, which took up most of his free time that wasn’t spent on exploring Hogwarts or chasing after Lily Evans’ attention, Sirius was very easy to get to know. He was open, welcomed anyone, and seemed to care little about what people thought of him. That confidence was much more attractive to someone insecure as Peter, who secretly wished for someone to guide him, and make him feel wanted.

Sometime during their fifth year, Sirius caught a whiff of Peter’s attraction towards him, and would suddenly and unexpectedly use it against him when Peter least expected it. Yet it wasn’t until their sixth year where it actually became a problem, that is to say; Peter began actually wanting the attention, and it hurt him more and more when Sirius would move in as if to kiss him, or touch his face in that sensual way, only to then pull away, or laugh at him when Peter became flustered or excited from the attention. Added to that was the pain of having Sirius take out personal issues or stress over Peter, and neither James nor Remus really tried to stop it. Every now and then they would tell Sirius to lay it off Peter, but most of the time the would act like nothing happened, and leave Sirius to his teasing. Whenever Peter tried to address his feelings towards Sirius, Remus would only tell him that Sirius was faking it, and that falling for the false attention would only hurt Peter. Remus never realized that by handling the problem the way he was, Peter felt as if nobody would ever spend time on trying to flirt with him for any other reason than to mock him. Peter wished to think that he was a real alternative to the other teenager, but Remus was treating it as if Sirius couldn’t possibly be attracted to him for real. 

Yet, that had changed during the Yule Ball. Peter hadn’t had any intentions of going to the ball whatsoever, until Sirius told him that he could get him a date for the night. The rat-like teenager had been incredibly skeptical, but he had agreed to go if Sirius really did find him a date. To his great happiness and excitement, he had found Peter a date, a really cute, plus sized girl who was more than happy to teach him how to dance. Remus decided not to go to the dance at all, James had finally gotten Lily to agree to go with him, and Sirius had a stunningly handsome Ravenclaw to go with. Peter had the time of his life dancing and spending time with the girl, and he didn’t mess it up at all! For once, he felt appreciated and welcomed, and not once did she complain about him when he didn’t quite manage to pull of a step. 

They might have become more than friends, had not Sirius’s date suddenly toppled a drink over his head and stomped away from the dog-like teenager. Sirius had left the ball in such a fit of anger that Peter simply couldn’t bring himself to not follow his friend. Of course, he thanked the girl for a wonderful evening, got her a drink as thanks for her treating him so well, and then he had followed his friend. 

Peter found Sirius in the Room of Requirements, just where he had expected the teenager to be hiding. He concluded that his friend had to be there since the Gryffindor common room 

was likely full of people at this time of hour, and Remus was in their sleeping hall, leaving Sirius having to explain himself to people. Thus, it was much more likely that he would head to a place where he could shower and also stay away from people. Peter had felt very proud as he found the room full of steam from a shower, and with a naked and wet Sirius laying in a bed, the items had all been conjured up by the room itself. 

Despite everything that had happened between them since then, Peter could still remember that night in the Room very clearly. 

“Peter? The heck are you doing here, I thought you were having fun at the ball.” Sirius sat up in the bed, not bothering to cover himself at all. His skin was slightly wet from the shower, and his hair was a lot wavier than usual from said water clinging to his locks. 

Peter was trying to not look directly at the other teenager, instead looking at the covers of the bed, while absently playing with the sleeves of his clothing. “I...saw what happened, are you alright?”

Sirius grunted, and let himself fall back in the bed, giving Peter an embarrassingly pleasant view of his lower assets, as the taller teenager didn’t care at all to cover himself up. Peter briefly wondered what it was like to feel so confident in oneself that even being naked wasn’t that big of a deal. “Yeah… I’m alright. What an asshole, he didn’t have to do that.” 

“No, you’re right…” Peter carefully climbed up on the bed, next to Sirius, with a nervous look on his face, and his heart beating almost painfully fast in his chest. He was terrified of the other teenager kicking him out, or treating him as disgusting if he as much as glanced at Sirius’s crotch. “He probably didn’t have to… uh, what did you do to make him so mad?” He sat down, and curled together by the end of the bed, holding on to his legs as he effectively made himself into a ball while hiding his crotch from the other’s view. 

Sirius was sprawled out of the bed, staring into the wall by the end of said bed, his posture was very relaxed, and his pale skin and dark hair made for a very artistic image against the white covers. For some reason, the bed was the size of two other beds, more than enough for at least three people if one would have wished for that many to lay in it. “I dunno, he was apparently not satisfied with the attention I gave him. He wanted more or something. All of a sudden he just started yelling about me using him to make James jealous. Dramatic asshole…” 

Oh. 

Peter didn’t doubt for a second that Sirius had wanted to make James jealous enough to notice him. Both Remus and Peter had noticed that Sirius was most likely trying to suppress his feelings for James, but had both agreed to never speak of it. Peter had been trying to deny it to himself, it was very sad to think that Sirius was desperately trying to get the attention of his best friend, and even worse to try to imagine little round Peter measure up to somebody like James Potter. No, it was much more preferable to Peter to imagine that Sirius was somebody who liked to sleep around, simply somebody who liked sex. Not… all those other things; Peter didn’t want to see that. Still, it was hard to deny what he was seeing in front of him, it was hard to deny what he was seeing his friend experience. Luckily for him, Peter was somewhat of an expert when it came to denying things he knew to be true. 

“Yeah, that really was over the top.” Peter agreed. 

“I know.” Sirius stretched out, clearly making a display of himself in such a way that Peter could feel the saliva in his mouth grow thicker, causing him to swallow, while his tongue felt too big and cumbersome in his mouth. Sirius suddenly locked eyes with him, and sat up, sending a few drops of water over his face. Peter’s breath hitched, and he moved back against the bed frame, feeling nervous that he had done something wrong by feeling attracted to the teenager in front of him. Sirius stared into his eyes, looming over him as a grin slowly started to spread over his face, the same one he used when he was about to mock someone, not a genuine one. “What’s wrong, Wormtail, your face is all red.” It wasn’t a question, they both knew it. 

“I...I…” Sirius shifted, moving up on all fours. He grabbed Peter’s folded legs and pulled them out on the bed, only to then straddle said legs, all while Peter tried to remember how to work his throat, tongue and lips in a manner that would produce actual words rather than sound. 

“So how come you didn’t stay with the date I arranged for you?” Sirius continued speaking where he sat naked on Peter’s lap. It seemed like the dog-like teenager was starting to get off on the situation, for Peter felt his semi hard member push against his leg. “How come you ran after old me instead of having fun with her?” As he spoke, Sirius shifted slightly, allowing his neather region to stroke against the other teenager’s leg. Peter’s breath hitched as he looked for an answer.

“I… I wanted to make sure you were okay!” He finally squeaked, now completely unable to take his eyes of Sirius’ member. 

“Really? You didn’t think that this was the only time I’d be desperate enough to want to do it with you?” Sirius’ hands had moved over his chest as he spoke, reaching his shoulders, moving up his neck… And by the time he finished the sentence, he grabbed Peter’s face, forcing him to meet his handsome friend’s eyes. 

“N-no!” Peter was shocked to hear such accusations, he had intended nothing of that sort, he truly had wanted to make sure that his friend was okay, he didn’t think of anything such as wishing for Sirius to repay him with sex. That would make him an awful friend. The thought of being given sex for the mere favor of checking up on somebody after they had been through something taxing had never passed through Peter’s mind, despite him being so very attracted to the dog-like teenager. 

“Liar.” Sirius hummed, his lips still curled in a smile, as he leaned in and pushed their lips together in a kiss. 

“Hnn!?” Peter flinched at first, but then slowly melted into the other teenager’s lips. He didn’t quite know how to kiss, but the more than experienced teenager guided him, pushed him back and forced the kiss to continue. Peter was more than a little frightened, but when Sirius grinded their hips together, showing the rat-like teenager that he was excited as well, Peter dared relaxing once more, and carefully moved his hands up to touch the other’s naked body. He heard Sirius chuckle against his lips, before he pulled back, still grinning at the out of breath teenager. “You were right, I’m weak right now, and I don’t mind having sex with you. Actually, I’m even going to let you lead, you can do whatever you want, touch wherever you please. I’m yours for the night, Pete, have fun.” And he moved back, spreading himself out over the covers with another one of those grins that made it seem almost like a challenge. 

There were a great many things Peter wanted to say: he wanted to object to being treated as if he had planned on ambushing Sirius, he wanted to make Sirius know that he was telling the truth, he wanted to object to the other teenager treating him as if he was the last person Sirius would ever consider having sex with, and he wanted to object to the way the other teenager was suddenly telling the inexperienced one to do all the work. Yet, he didn’t dare to voice any of his discomforts, he didn't dare object. He wanted to have sex with Sirius but he didn’t want it like this. Still, if he rejected him now, he would never get the change again, and Sirius might lash back at him in ways that Peter didn’t want to imagine. He further didn’t like the way his friend was acting as if he wasn’t a person anymore, more like some manner of object which Peter was given as a reward for good behavior. And worst of all, he was scared that hesitation would mean he lost what was being offered.

Sirius spread his legs for him, and Peter carefully moved closer, climbing on top of the other teenager. Peter did want this, he did want to have sex with Sirius, but he had also never quite felt so uncomfortable and filled of regret as when he did. 

Having sex was actually rather easy, at least when magic was involved. Sirius was open, and with the help of lasting lube and using magic to clean up afterwards, they could pretty much do what they wanted without too many troubles. Peter didn’t want to imagine how hard the act was if he had been with somebody inexperienced, and if they didn’t have all the magic tools to make it easier. Part of him was also rather sure that Sirius wanted it to hurt, at least a little, since he had been so keen on the inexperienced Peter to lead. 

Sirius didn’t want to stop, so they continued, and Peter figured out how to move and where to touched based on his friend’s comments and in some cases outright demands. After a while, he was even becoming good, so good that he surprised Sirius, drawing the most excellent of noises from his friend. 

It took Peter a little longer, and a few more orgasms to finally admit to Sirius that his member was hurting from all the sex. He was scared that his friend wouldn’t actually let him stop, but said friend admitted that he was hurting too, and was alright with them calling it a night. 

Peter cleaned up by using a simple spell, and then curled down next to Sirius under the blankets. He hesitated but then moved over to the other teenager, hugging him from behind while breathing in his scent. Sirius didn’t object, and shifted to lean back against him, earning the teenager some enthusiastic nuzzling from Peter’s nose. Despite him feeling so uncomfortable in the beginning, he finally dared relaxing, even feeling comfortable and happy with what had happened. It was mostly due to the side effects of having had so many orgasms, but Peter didn’t know that. He was drowsy, and thus he closed his eyes and starting to drift off to sleep.

“We won’t do this again.” Sirius suddenly spoke up, surprising Peter enough for him to jump slightly, his eyes opening up again. “It’s just not going to happen, don’t get your hopes up.” 

Peter chuckled, in a way that almost didn’t seem nervous. “Don’t worry, Sirius, I know you don’t generally have sex with the same people twice.” He really hadn’t believe that this would be repeated again, thus he was trying to find as much comfort in the other teenager as he could, during the one night when Sirius was his. 

“It… has happened.” Sirius had responded, after thinking about it for a short while. For a moment, the teenager almost sounded unsure of himself; Peter tried very hard to ignore the notion. 

“Either way, I won’t ask it again, I’m really happy I was able to make you feel better.” Peter truly meant it.

“Yeah, yeah.” Sirius waved the Peter’s words away.

“Good night Sirius, you can pretend this never happened tomorrow.” Peter ended their conversation, cuddling up to the other teenager, and this time, they did fall asleep without Sirius making any more comments. 

“It really never happened again.” Peter told the corpse of the groundskeeper, he hadn’t told it all of the story, but had sat silent in his own memories for the longest time, only to finally continue speaking. “Sirius really did pretend it never happened, but he sort of stopped with his teasing for a while. I mean, he did continue when a few months had passed, and he was still cruel to me when he was feeling bad, even more so after Snape became a Death Eater.” 

The rat-like man pulled on his own left sleeve, looking down at his bare skin. He did not have the mark, he was not in any way a real Death Eater. Peter lift his hand, carefully stroking over the bare human skin that still felt so very alien to him. “I wonder how… different things would be if I had actually been a Slytherin… Maybe James would have been safe then, maybe Sirius wouldn’t have made me feel like this… Maybe I could have been a real Death Eater… I… I don’t know if I want to be one!” He suddenly changed the way he was speaking, and quickly hid his arm, curling together into a ball. “I… I didn’t want this… I just… If I had been a Slytherin, maybe nothing would have happened at all, and I would be any other wizard… not a traitor.” He tried to curl together further, and shook his head. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I… betrayed them. But then… The Dark Lord died.” He wanted to say that he was happy, but he didn’t dare saying it out right, in case the snake and Voldemort was listening to him speaking. “I realized that all his followers would blame me, and that they would come for me. But then I realized something worse… That Sirius was coming for me.”

“I used to belong to this order, it was called the Phoenix Order, and it was a resistance towards the Dark Lord. After school, all my friends joined it, and I sort of just came along. I wasn’t strong enough to really fight, but I also wanted to do what was right… No, that’s not entirely true… I wanted to be safe. Where would I be safer than in the company of that many strong, capable wizards and witches? I didn’t really want to fight, I didn’t want to go to war.”

“Then… there was a prophecy… That horrible prophecy…” Peter peeked up from his arms, looking over at the dead man. “Do you believe in prophecies? In school, we were always taught to take them for what they were, possible predictions which weren’t necessarily the truth. But then there was this woman, who said something about a child growing up to defeat Voldemort, and that child was supposedly Harry Potter, James and Lily’s son. So they needed to hide away, they needed to protect their child.” He stopped again, as his throughs trailed off down a different path. 

It had suddenly hit Peter that he had never wanted children, and he couldn’t help but to suddenly imagine what it would have been like to have children. A lot of people claimed that children was the truest form of happiness, that to settle down and to build family was what every person should strive for. Peter did want to find somebody who loved him, very few people didn’t want to be loved, but he had never really believed he could find somebody like that. His confidence wasn’t too high from the beginning, and years of subtle bullying and devaluation of his own worth and problems had not helped. Then again, neither Sirius nor Remus had found themselves a partner either, it really was only James who had managed that. No matter the case, Peter wasn’t certain that he did want children, even if he did find somebody with whom to have them with. Children didn’t seem like the all powerful culmination of happiness which they were painted up to be by society. Peter would much rather be happy on his own merit, especially so before he would even start thinking of having children.

Peter heard a creak above him, he jumped up, like a scared animal, staring up in the roof which was the second floor roof. Then he stood still, his heart hammering with fear until he was certain that nothing had happened, and that the Dark Lord or his snake wasn’t moving about, listening in on his complaining. He slowly sat down again, turning towards the corpse once more. He took a deep breath, and continued talking. 

“So, they decided to cast the Fidelius Charm, not that you’d know what that is, you’re just a muggle… Heh…” He coughed after his laugh, suddenly feeling very silly to have been smug towards a corpse. “...Dumbledore himself offered to be their secret-keeper, but they insisted that it be one of their friends instead. Of course, the obvious choice was Sirius. But then, Sirius wanted to change, at the time of the spell, he brought me along, telling me that I was supposed to become the secret-keeper for them… I tried to object to him, I tried to tell him that he was the better choice, but no matter what I said, Sirius wouldn’t give in. He was… so intense… I couldn’t… Say no. So I became their secret-keeper, despite not wanting to… And then...”

Peter stopped speaking once more, and returned to his curled up position. Memories were starting to flash for him, he had neglected to think of it for so very long that the memories were painful to recall. He could feel panic and regret build in his heart, so much so that he his words died in his throat. 

Peter had returned home, heavy with all kinds of raging emotions. He had been upset about being forced to take the role of secret-keeper, he didn’t want to be, and he knew that it put him at immense risk if anyone found out that he was the only thing standing between the Dark Lord and the Potters was him. Sirius had insisted that it was fine, that he was still more likely to be targeted than Peter was, and that he was in no more danger than he had been before becoming the secret-keeper. Peter hadn’t believed him, not fully, and every shadow on his way home had looked like a Death Eater. 

Peter had lived in terror for at least a week, he hadn’t been able to eat and he hadn’t been able to relax. He didn’t sleep well, and he was scared of everything. Having one life on his shoulders was hard enough, to suddenly be carrying the weight of three more lives and the prophesied hero of the Wizarding World… Peter had become a wreck in no time at all. 

Then it happened, all that he had feared; the Death Eaters had appeared outside of his door. He had been captured in his own home, his wand taken, and with no way out, the Dark Lord himself had appeared. Peter had been so terrified that he had been completely frozen in place, unable to believe who was standing before him. He had trembled in fear, his legs giving in as he broke down into a crying mess in front of the monster who was certain to be his doom. 

To Peter’s great surprise and relief, he had not been tortured right away, as he had expected, instead, the Dark Lord had reached out, and had looked into his mind. Then, he had spoken, in a voice as sweet as honey, his words so impossibly true that they had shaken Peter to his very core. 

“I was expecting you to be the weakest link in this little rebellion you and your order have been part of… In truth, I only approached you with the intent of getting information out of you, but now I see that the spell was cast, and you have been selected as the bearer of the secret.” He had lowered his wand as he spoke, looking at Peter with a strange look in his eyes, one that looked an awful lot like pity in Peter’s eyes. “You mind might hold that secret, but you cannot keep anything else from me. Poor, poor Peter.” The last words had been the sweetest of poison, as the Dark Lord had reached out and stroke over his head, causing Peter to hic and flinch. 

“You love your friends so dearly, you are loyal to men who have never done anything for you. You adore Sirius Black, but you are constantly hurt by him, even now, you hear his voice reprimanding you for all your faults, even when he isn’t here to speak with you. You are hurt by his rejection, yet you are more hurt by having been used by him. No, Peter, you are no fool, despite what he thinks… Sirius Black is willing to sacrifice everything for James Potter, and he expects you to do the same. He should have been the one to bear this burden, but…” Peter had looked up, trying to see the man’s face through his own tears. He was clinging to the man’s words, unable to break the spell of the words the man was speaking. “The only thing that would change is your death. If you are captured, and I torture you until the point of breaking you, you would die with the secret, forever keeping the Potters safe.” 

Peter had felt like he couldn’t breathe, like he couldn’t think, he couldn’t object. “If Black had kept the secret, you would have been safe. The only thing this change does is putting you in danger. Black is aware that he might be captured and tortured, he is counting on it, you are right about that. So you could have been completely free from this burden, at no other cost to Black at all. But he forced you to this, he didn’t listen to you, he never has. Peter.” The Dark Lord leant down and carefully, gently, grabbed Peter’s chin, lifting his head up. “Sirius Black was never your friend. He never cared about you.” 

When Peter finally managed to regain control over himself, he had been crying and sobbing to the point of exhaustion. And the Dark Lord had waited, his servants had been restless, but the Dark Lord had been patient. 

“And the other two… Remus Lupin was mostly annoyed with you. He tolerated you, and spoke with you, but only out of pity, only because he felt too good to ignore poor little stupid Peter. He never helped you when you needed it, he was never there for you when you needed him. It was much more important for him to save himself than it was to do the right thing.” As if he could read Peter’s mind, which he most likely could, the Dark Lord had continued to speak. “And James Potter… You don’t know James Potter at all. You know what he likes, but he doesn’t really talk or pay attention to you. He is untouchable, unreachable, you and him could never get along on your own.”

“You don’t want to fight this war, and the war will end tonight, if you’d only give me a single address, a single secret. You will have finally done something that they wouldn’t expect… Yes, you are right…” Peter had flinched, because he had not been prepared for the man to read his mind that accurately. “You could finally pay them back, in one easy move. You would have done me a great favor, earning your place amongst my most respected servants, and you would have made them all pay for the cruel ways they have and still are treating you. You, Peter Pettigrew, would be celebrated as a hero, and your false friends would weep that they did not show you the respect you deserved.”

“...W-would I b-b-be… safe?” Peter had managed to whine, shifting closer on all fours, his face wet with tears, and his heart broken into pieces in his chest. 

“Yes.” Voldemort had replied. “You will not be harmed by my side. As long as I live, you will never have to fear again. Come, Peter Pettigrew.” He had raised a pale, thin hand, his words so very soft, his words so very true. His offer so impossibly welcome. “All I need from you is an address…”

Peter had stared into the open, welcoming hand, and then slowly, carefully, reached out to take it. He opened his mouth, and he had told the Dark Lord the address which he so dearly desired. The words had been shaped by his tongue voluntarily, and thus the deed had been done. Peter had sold out James and Lily, as well as their one year old son, dooming them all to death. 

The Death Eaters and their master had left, leaving Peter in his own home, everything untouched, no signs of a struggle. The Dark Lord hadn’t even thanked him, he had simply turned and walked out the door, prompting his servants to follow. 

For perhaps ten minutes, Peter had felt an intense feeling of euphoria. He had helped the Dark Lord, he had been promised a place by his side, and that he would be honored for his services! He had finally, finally stood up to Sirius Black, he had showed them that little round Peter was able to be more than just a victim to kick around. They had hurt him, abused him, and not helped him when he needed it, and now, they were paying the price! And so brilliant was his betrayal that nobody on the outside would never be able to figure out that it was Peter who had sold the Potters out! His head had been spinning with the excitement and happiness, and for once, Peter was the victor, for once, they would be the ones to suffer, not him. As Peter had feared their rejection all his life, constantly feeling like he was always one mistake away from being kicked out of their friend group, now, now, now they were in danger, and he was safe!

Safe, safe, safe!

At what cost?

The cost of three completely innocent lives.

Realization had hit Peter so hard that he thought he was going to choke. He had broken down completely, curled together on the floor where he had committed the most hideous of crimes. Where he, Peter Pettigrew, had proven to never have deserved the friendship from the other Marauders whatsoever. Peter Pettigrew the traitor. Ugly, fat, stupid Peter Pettigrew, who betrayed his friends, whom he never deserved in the first place. 

“No...no, no… I didn’t mean to… I didn’t… I didn’t mean to…!” The traitor had cried into the floorboards, proclaiming his innocence to nobody who could listen. 

“No...no, no… I didn’t mean to… I didn’t… I didn’t mean to…!” The traitor cried into his own knees, once more curled together, once again proclaiming his innocence to nobody who could listen. He hadn’t been able to tell the story out loud, not even after all this time. 

When his sobs finally calmed, he remained still in the same position, trying to breathe in and out in a steady pace. When he had managed to do so for at least a few minutes, without his breath speeding up again, he raised his head and looked at the corpse. Peter’s nose was wet and runny, and his eyes red and swollen, further adding to his miserable look. He was very glad that he corpse couldn’t actually see him. 

“I… betrayed them. But then… The Dark Lord died.” He wanted to say that he was happy, but he didn’t dare saying it out right, in case the snake and Voldemort was listening to him speaking. “I realized that all his followers would blame me, and that they would come for me. But then I realized something worse… That Sirius was coming for me.” He swallowed, suddenly feeling the need to look around as he was overwhelmed by a feeling that Sirius Black would suddenly jump out from behind somewhere, coming to kill him. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It was all the more frightening to know that Peter still felt things towards Sirius, things other than hatred and fear. He even thought of approaching him, thinking that maybe, maybe… Sirius would not hate him.

“Sirius knows about me being an animagus, he knows my scent, he would track me to the end of the Earth to make sure I pay for… my betrayal. So I ran, and I don’t know how, but he caught up to me, caught me on a muggle street, with his eyes b-burning…” He shuddered at the memory. “I knew he wouldn’t listen to me, I knew he wouldn’t hesitate. I… Don’t know what I wanted to do... I cast a spell to blow a hole in the street, which would allow me to get to the sewer system. I cut off my finger, as to make Sirius think that I had blow myself up by accident. Then I turned into a rat and ran. I… later learn what had happened… How I… became a murderer…” Peter’s voice turned thick with emotion, but he swallowed a few times and continued his confession, trudging on to ease his own heart to his deceased priest-figure. 

“You see, there was a gas line, that’s what they called it. The muggles had put it in their street. When my magic exploded, the gas line caused a chain reaction, and the whole street was blown up. T...twelve muggles died. Sirius was alright though, apparently he started laughing like a madman after the explosion… either way, he was arrested on the grounds of betraying the Potters, and thrown into Azkaban. Suddenly… I was the hero! Me, Peter Pettigrew! The story changed, he had betrayed the Potters, I had chased after him, he was suddenly the Dark Lord’s biggest supporter, and I was the brave friend who tried to catch him when he ran away. He had blown me up, and he had been so keen on killing me that he had also murdered those muggles to get to me. I was shocked! And… a little thrilled…” He admitted the last timidly, playing with his fingers as his cheeks heated from the idea of being a hero. “I hadn’t mean to get him arrested, but I felt more safe when he was locked away.” 

“Of course, being dead and disintegrated, I couldn’t exactly come back, and I didn’t learn about the new version of events until much later. I was scared that he would discover my trick, so I ran and ran, until I was far out on the countryside. I hadn’t eaten for so long, and had only found disgusting, filthy water to drink. I was exhausted, and then… the sweetest scent came to me. I followed it, straight into a big piece of cheese, just sitting there in the field, waiting to be eaten! So I grabbed it, and began eating, and the… trap… shut behind me. In hindsight, I was more than lucky that it had been one of those harmless traps which didn’t instantly kill me.” 

“I was terrified nonetheless, and it took until midday before I was discovered in the trap. I had been caught by this...weird wizard family. Everyone had red hair, and they lived in this really funny house which seemed like it could be toppled over by somebody leaning against it.” As Peter spoke about his family, a smile formed on his lips, and he felt his chest being filled with something pleasant and warm. “They were called the Weasleys, and the third oldest boy, Percy Weasley, had caught me because he wanted a pet rat. At first, I was of course frightened, and I decided that I would try and run from this family as soon as I could. But then I realized that… they were being nice to me. Percy liked me, and he would pet and scratch me, and even talk to me about all his problems when he was supposed to sleep. Percy was a really ambitious boy, most of the Weasley family had this niche of things they like, I say most, but I never knew their eldest boys. Percy wanted glory, he wanted fame, he wanted to make a difference and he would not be stopped or held back by his unambitious siblings or parents. His father, see, Arthur Weasley, he loves muggles like you. I bet he would have loved to talk your head off, just rambling on about this and that to do with the muggle world.” Peter chuckled nervously, twisting his hands in his lap. “Then again, you’re dead, so you couldn’t actually talk to him… Uhm, I’m trailing off. The Weasleys had just had a little boy, he was the same age as James’ boy, I felt guilty seeing him at first, but that passed with age.”

“At first, I was kind of bothered to have ended up with a wizard family, but after a while, I found that it was actually rather nice. I was still keeping an eye on the wizarding community, and that’s how I learned about…” He didn’t say Voldemort’s death. “About Sirius and him being sent to Azkaban, and me being a hero. The first years, I tried to remain sort of informed, but all that seemed less and less important the more time passed.”

He sighed, and leaned back, looking up at the ceiling with a distant look of happiness on his face. “Oh how I loved that family… I’m sure you don’t believe me, but it’s true. I was loved by them, Molly would feed me, the children would pet me, they would let me sleep in their beds. And when they did get too forceful or too loud, and I retaliated by biting them, their mother and father would scold them for annoying me! Isn’t that amazing? Them calling me fat or ugly, and those things, didn’t matter at all, because I was a rat. Being big as a rat doesn’t mean that you are too disgusting to touch or to be loved, it just means you’re a big rat. One time, I escaped out of my cage to just stretch my legs, and the children were crying because they thought I was gone. I don’t even think people cried at my funeral… Maybe Remus did… I… I don’t know…” He trailed off, slowly shrinking together again. He didn’t want to think of his own funeral, or how few people probably showed up. 

“Being a rat for so long… Well, I don’t think the spell was made for that. Over the years, I forgot who I was. I forgot that I had ever been Peter, and became Scabbers. That is kind of a weird sounding name, I guess, but rats don’t need pretty names, so it didn’t really matter. For years, I was Scabbers. I only cared about eating, sleeping, and being petted. I suppose that was the best life I ever could have wished for. Nothing mattered but being a rat, and it may be foolish of me, but I think I really was happy.”

“...Then… I came back to awareness. That was a little more than a year ago. Oh, I almost wish I had forgotten how to read, then nothing would have changed for me. My world was turned upside down, when I found out that Sirius had escaped from Azkaban. Somebody placed a newspaper in front of me, and as I threw a glance at the front, I saw his face, staring at me from from behind prison bars. His eyes… oh by Merlin, his eyes!” The rat-like man curled together as if he had been hit, holding his head in his hands. “He stared right at me, through time and space, I knew… Oh, I knew instantly that he was looking at me. That he was coming for me!” He realized that he had raised his voice, and placed his hands in front of his mouth, looking around to make certain that he hadn’t bothered the Dark Lord. Nobody came.

After a few shaky breaths, he managed to lower his voice down to a less shrill tone. “I saw his eyes, and I remembered everything. I remembered that I was Peter Pettigrew, I remembered my crimes, and I realized to my great horror that my owne-, uhm, caretaker Ron Weasley was Harry Potter’s best friend…” He whimpered at the memory. “I should have recognized him… I should have realized sooner, but I was Scabbers, not Peter, I knew nothing of wizards and names, I didn’t recall faces or names, I… I should have known. I should have  _ known _ …” The memories triggered another sobbing fit, and the man cried into his hands once more, vaguely aware that he should have run out of tears at this point, and equally surprised that he had not. 

Peter felt his head throb, and he whined while holding it. He knew that there was a kitchen nearby, and so, he slowly started pulling the corpse over to it, dumped it in the middle of the room, and headed for the faucet. After having drank for a while, his head hurt less, and he went back and sat his priest-figure up, then returned to sitting opposite of him, ready to continue his confession. “They had this other friend, that is to say, Ron and Harry, whose name is Hermione Granger. She is the most brilliant of witches, and during their third year, she got herself a cat. Its name was… Crookshanks…” He struggled to recall the name correctly. “He knew something was off with me from the very start, and I heard Sirius speak of how the cat had helped him. At first, I thought it simply did not like me, but it seems the beast knew exactly what I was, and what I wasn’t…” He shuddered. 

“And of course, my oldest friend Remus Lupin was working as a teacher at Hogwarts that year.” The thoughts of the cat were so very unpleasant that Peter quickly decided to change the subject and speak of Remus instead. “He was on the same train as us when we arrived that year, and I was so very excited to see him. Well, I was, but, also, well, scared. Very scared. I hid in Ron’s bag, and glanced at him, back then not really certain why he was so interesting to me. He looked… old. The world had been hard on him, his clothing was old and smelled funny, and he carried a heavy scent of tiredness with him. Still, his bag said ‘professor,’ and when I came back to awareness I was so proud to learn that he had managed to obtain that profession, despite all his disadvantages.” As he spoke of his friend, his posture seemed to relax just a little, and his words were most certainly true, despite his fear of the man. “Imagine my pride as he was also frequently spoken of as an excellent teacher by so many people. I stayed far away, but was nonetheless listening in on the gossip of the common room. I was hoping to hear about Sirius, but they never mentioned anything useful to me.”

“There were, however, a few times when Sirius made it to the common room…” Whatever ease the topic of his old friend had brought him was quickly stolen away by the memory of his most violent former friend. Petter hugged himself, curling together until the point of being more of a ball than he was a person. “He came with a knife… The first time, he never got inside the common room, but he shredded the portrait which shielded the Gryffindor’s chambers. The second time, he got inside, and I managed to hide just in time. I could see him from my hidden position, I saw him stalk around Ron’s bed, and I heard his scream of anger and hatred as he began ripping everything apart to try and find me. My hiding place was inside the wall, and I stayed to watch him for a while, as I was too scared to move, in case he would have heard me. Then, I saw him stop, and I thought he could hear me, I thought I could hear the sound of my terrified heartbeats, but… Then he turned towards Harry’s bed. On his bed table was a photo of his parents. I watched Sirius walk over to the bedside table, I saw his feet wander and stop. I could not see what he was doing, I don’t know what expression he showed, I don’t know what he was thinking, but I saw him kneel in front of it, and I heard him cry.” 

Peter could see it so very clearly in front of him, he could see the back of the man whom he had known so well, dressed in shabby, broken robes, his frame so much thinner than Peter recalled it. He could see the dirty, curly hair, and he could hear as the man who had been his friend cried. He had not been crying like a person, not like a human. The sobs and noises which had left his lips had been formed deep within his gut, and had been let out in the form of the most horrifying, beastly cries. Despite his terrified state, Peter had wanted nothing more than to go to him, to hold him, stroke his head, tell him that everything would be fine. Yet he would be killed if he did. There was no denying that approaching Sirius now would reward him with a skewered belly. It was all the more frightening to know that Peter still felt things towards Sirius, things other than hatred and fear. He even thought of approaching him, thinking that maybe, maybe… Sirius would not hate him. 


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Crouch raised an eyebrow, and Peter quickly looked away, unable to face those burning eyes. “Wormtail. It is your name, is it not?”
> 
> No. No. No, it wasn’t. His name was Peter. Peter Pettigrew. Wormtail was a nickname which belonged to his old friends, it wasn’t something just anyone was supposed to use. Even then, he never liked being called Wormtail, mostly because his tail was nothing like a worm’s, and he didn’t enjoy the insinuation that he was like a worm, that is to say, cowardly, dirty, and weak. Yet it was alright when it was them, it was not alright when it was somebody else. Wormtail felt wrong, like an insult, as if he no longer had the right to be a human.

Peter had remained in his hiding place, and after a while, the beast of a man had stopped crying, and had attacked Ron’s bed one more time with his knife, only to leave in a hurry, as to not be discovered. Peter stayed still in his hole for over an hour, and then turned tail and ran, trying to find a safer place in the school where he wouldn’t be discovered. He had thought of Ron as he had ran, he had been sad to leave him, but it had been much better than to be killed by Sirius. 

“...I suppose I was also… scared for Ron’s sake. After seeing Sirius in the chambers, and seeing what he had done to the bed, I was terrified that Ron might become a casualty in his hunger for vengeance. I hid out in the ground keeper’s hut, but I was discovered nonetheless, and returned to Ron. He was so happy to have me back, I couldn’t resist staying with him a little longer. Then, he carried me back towards the castle, and I saw… I, I s-saw…” The rat-like man began stuttering, and had to force himself to continue speaking. “I saw Sirius, in the woods. I saw his Animagus form, and I knew I had to run, least Ron be hurt when he tried to get to me. I bit Ron, and rushed off, but Ron was faster, and caught me. Then Sirius caught up, grabbing Ron and pulled him into the secret passage underneath the whomping willow.”

Peter ruffled his own hair, scratching his scalp in a nervous fit, upon reaching this part of his story. “Merlin, oh, Merlin… So many things happened in the shack that night… ” He whimpered. “Where am I to start… I watched most of the events from Ron’s arm, hiding with him, maybe I even thought that I could protect him… Maybe I stayed with him because I was scared of what Sirius would do if I tried to run, maybe I even stayed because Ron’s grip around me was too tight for me to escape…” He shook his head, shrinking together, whimpering to himself. “I saw Remus again, I saw his happiness when Sirius was alive, and I just knew that Remus would not believe anything I said over Sirius’s words. I saw Sirius and despite being terrified of him, I could tell that he was still sane, to… some extent. Then Severus Snape appeared and… Oh, it was such chaos… So many people yelling and so many things being explained over one another. Finally, I was grabbed by Sirius. I tried to bite him and run, but I was nonetheless caught and forced back into… this…” He gestured vaguely towards himself. 

“I… I was stuck in a room, with people who refused to listen to me, who had decided that I was guilty. I know I lied to them, but in most cases, I didn’t mean to… With Ron, I didn’t even know I was a human for the longest time… I tried to plead with them, make them listen to my story, but Sirius was far too angry to listen to me, I feared that he was about to jump at me and rip my throat out with his bare teeth… I pleaded to each and everyone, but none would listen. I… I can still see their disgusted faces looking down at me…” Peter wasn’t quite certain when he had started crying again, but he didn’t care to wipe his tears away. “It was decided that I would be given to the dementors. I would be given the most horrible of punishments, crueler than death… As ordered by a thirteen year old child… And every single person present agreed that it was fitting. They did to me what had been wrongfully done to Sirius, in fact, Sirius wasn’t even given the punishment of the Kiss, not until he escaped and all that. Yet it was acceptable to be given to me, that treatment was fair. How is that fair!? I… I could at least have been… Given a trial, been allowed to speak to somebody not involved with the whole situation.. I don’t know… something… Something…” He trailed off, and became silent. It took a little longer until he realized that he was crying, and he wiped the tears away with his dirty hand. 

“I only managed to get away because of Remus’ transformation. If he hadn’t forgotten to take his potion, then I would be dead by now. Or, well, not dead per say, but I would have been given the dementor’s kiss.” He swallowed. “I was… lucky. So I ran away, and fled to the one place where I could be… welcomed. I’m not… no, welcomed isn’t right, useful is better. This is the only option left for me, nobody else will help me, will protect me…” He sniffed, and took a deep breath.“I… suppose that summarizes why I am here…” He finished, as he slowly got to his feet. “...Mh, I… have wasted a lot of time… I should get you moved out of the way...”

He walked over to the corpse, and started pulling it away from the kitchen, and into a sideroom which nobody was currently using. It would have to do, at least it was out of the way. Peter had tried to place the body in a chair, trying to show at least a little respect to his deceased priest-figure. 

Upon returning to the kitchen, intent on getting some more water before returning, the door swung open and a man stepped out, before Peter had the chance to reach for the door handle on his own. The rat-like man gasped, and quickly backed four steps, staring at the ragged blonde man in front of him. It took him a second longer to realize that it was the young man whom they had saved earlier that week, Barty Crouch Jr. The man had been so weak after his rescue that he had mostly been resting since then, making Peter more than surprised to see him walking about. He was aware that the younger man had been awake that day, and he had spoken a lot with the Dark Lord, but that did not mean that Peter was ready to see him walk about in the house just yet.

“O-o-ohh…” Peter stuttered out, quickly avoiding to look at the man in front of him, his hands raising automatically in front of himself, as if they were a barrier which would protect him, should Crouch be dangerous. “I, I did not think you would be up and about so soon… How are you feeling?” 

“Why aren’t you with the Lord?” Crouch words were short, sharp, and his eyes staring down at the rat-like man with a fire which reminded him of Sirius Black. When Peter didn’t answer right away, the younger man continued: “answer me, Wormtail.” 

The usage of the name made him feel as if the blonde had just punched him in the gut, and he forgot his fear as he looked up at the other man. “What… did you call me?” In his confusion, he forgot his fear, accidentally speaking up without thinking about it first.

Crouch raised an eyebrow, and Peter quickly looked away, unable to face those burning eyes. “Wormtail. It is your name, is it not?”

No. No. No, it wasn’t. His name was Peter. Peter Pettigrew. Wormtail was a nickname which belonged to his old friends, it wasn’t something just anyone was supposed to use. Even then, he never liked being called Wormtail, mostly because his tail was nothing like a worm’s, and he didn’t enjoy the insinuation that he was like a worm, that is to say, cowardly, dirty, and weak. Yet it was alright when it was them, it was not alright when it was somebody else. Wormtail felt wrong, like an insult, as if he no longer had the right to be a human. 

Crouch grew tired of his silence, and continued speaking: “I asked you a question, why are you not with the Lord?” 

“He… requested that I removed the corpse of the old muggle, and-”

“And that took you two entire hours?” The other man bit back, the distaste clear in his voice. 

“I… I had no idea that much time had passed.” Peter responded, curling together under those burning eyes, while trying to resist the urge to shrink and become a rat again. 

“Our Lord might find your tardiness unimprovable, but I do not appreciate your behavior. If I am to leave him in your care, I demand that you do better, least I have to place you under the Imperius Curse to make sure the job is done right.” The man’s eyes flared with such emotion, and he was already reaching for his wand, and Peter became terrified of what he might do to him. He quickly got to his knees, begging the other man to not cast the curse on him. Crouch’s face showed clear disgust as he grabbed him and yanked him to his feet. “I would, but our Lord has decided that it is not what will happen.” 

Peter swallowed as the other man yanked his left sleeve up, baring it to him. He looked from the man’s face, and for a few second, he saw Sirius, rather than Crouch. He blinked, and the blonde’s face returned, but not before Peter felt his heart ache with fear and regret. He… was supposed to be safe here, he was supposed to be protected and still… people looked at him with even more disgust than Sirius Black did. Peter felt tears burn in the corner of his eyes as he silently resigned himself to whatever Crouch was about to do to him. 

The young man pulled the sleeve of his left arm up, and pointed his wand at the pale skin. He then spoke a spell which Peter didn’t know of, and he felt the skin start to burn where the wand had touched it. The rat-like man whimpered, squirming as the man’s grip grew tighter. It felt as if something had set his skin of fire, and he watched as something black began moving from the point where the wand had touched him. The blackness spread, Peter whimpered further as the spread felt like boiling water running over his skin. Finally, he realized what was happening, as he found himself staring down at a skull with a snake in its mouth. Crouch let go of him, pushing them apart as if he had been forced to touch something unclean. Peter sank down on his knees, whimpering because the pain from the curse was still biting through his skin. 

“I don’t think you deserve that mark.” Crouch stared down at him with cold disapproval. “You should be grateful the Lord allows you that privilege. Get back upstairs when you’ve stopped your whining, and wash that pathetic expression off your face.” 

The younger man turned on his heel, leaving the rat-like man on the ground. Said man pulled his sleeve up further, looking down in horror at the mark on his arm. The mark which branded him as a loyal Death Eater, making certain that he could never escape or be able to deny the Dark Lord ever again, as the mark would invalidate all the words he could ever utter. He was stuck. For the rest of his days, he would forever be a servant of the Dark Lord’s. No longer Peter Pettigrew, now he truly was but Wormtail, James and Lily Potters’ killer. 

Wormtail, the traitor. 


End file.
